Almost Through!

So, it’s been a whirlwind week, and, (unbelievably enough) so far I’ve DONE IT ALL. While I’m exhausted and run ragged, it was so wonderful to:

• Hear about innovation in my field from someone who is excited about what we do
• Attend a conference to network and meet new people
• Eat delicious Indian food and catch up with good friends in person instead of over the ‘net
• Have an evening to catch up on housework (yes, this is a good thing!)
• And coming up today: some quality girl-time and relaxing over sushi!

My dentist appointment went well (just a cleaning) and while my new dental insurance is slightly headache-inducing, it’s still nice to not be paying full price any more!

My doctor’s appointment also went fairly well- we finally have my labs from my last rheum so I can finally cut those ties with a sigh of relief. We are tweaking my treatment and I have a new round of x-rays for my hands and wrists coming up. There is a chance that some of my hand pain is actually osteo, which is not thrilling but not entirely unexpected, either. I’m also scheduling an appointment with an allergist to finally get a full screening and figure out what’s causing my food reaction (every time I think I can rule something out it crops up again).

The hardest part of this week has been the fatigue by far- it looks like my thyroid is, indeed, slightly off which explains the sleep/dream issues. Throw in a dose of insomnia and it’s been a very, very rough week. I’m working to get all these things balanced as best I can so that I can be as well as possible. I picture it a bit like walking across the deck of a ship that is pitching and yawing- you know that every step is going to be tricky and yet very, very important.

The biggest step (what feels like stepping over the side of the ship, to me) is dealing with my anxiety and depression. I’ve been blaming a lot on stress and don’t get me wrong, my job and health are each stress-inducing own its own- combined it’s a double-whammy (and work is even more stressful than usual). But when I catch myself almost bursting into tears in the doctor’s office just considering therapy… yeah, there’s stuff going on that I’m not dealing with particularly well. This seems to recur (or be brought back to my conscious attention) every time I have a new doctor or diagnosis (last round was just before the neuro appointment for the numbness in my hands).

So, yeah. There’s that. I’m not suicidal, but I’m struggling daily. I am aware of and grateful for all the good that’s going on in my life, but sometimes it’s hard to get a grip on- everything is a just a bit nebulous and it’s hard to turn off the broken record running in the back of my brain that says “I’m tired, I hurt” over and over again. I feel my limitations keenly, and my annual performance appraisal once again brought to my attention that I am harder on myself, and have higher expectations for myself, than anyone else is or does. I can give others a break- why can’t I cut myself some slack on occasion? This is going to be the next big step for me- I’m inching closer to it all the time.

The Week of AUGH!

So, it’s not a bad week, but it’s a very, very busy one. Plus, I have something happening every evening after work except Thursday, which will probably be the day I get new tires. Two of these events were only decided today, and at least one is on the chopping block if someone can’t get me Important Information Soon:

• Monday – 6 pm – Video Games as Texts and Technologies at the Morgridge Millennium Gallery – Does that not sound amazing? I love that my job gives me opportunities like this. Yes, I am that kind of geek.
• Tuesday – 5-7 pm – Hold down a table at the FETC for the FDLC, which are FLAs instead of TLAs. Also tech- and work-related. Seeing a trend yet?
• Wednesday – 6 pm – Yummy Indian food with friends who are in town and whom I haven’t seen in TOO LONG. Very happy about this! (Yay, not work-related!)
• Thursday – tires?
• Friday – Sushi with Girlfriends Without Children. The GWC is a very small, select group, and even though we all work at the same place we almost never get to socialise outside of work. If I could get work to subsidise it as a “team-building experience” I totally would. This is nothing against my Girlfriends With Children, it’s just that our socalising tends to be a bit more limited in scope or involve someone crawling up my pants leg, or both. (There was a time that “crawling up my pants leg” would not denote a small child or animal. Sadly, those days are behind me now. Unless, of course, hubby reads this, since he has an Evil sense of Humour. *suddenly looks afraid*)
• Saturday – Guns ‘n Health Food – Really. Apparently, “going to the range” has become a social-type thing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t fired a rifle since high school (long story) but I’ve always been curious about shooting a pistol since I never have. This will let me give it a try with a bunch of people who won’t judge me if I do something silly like try to reload by clicking off-screen. Afterward we’re going to the superhealthfoodstore, because I need things not made with animal products. (Also a long story, which I’ll catch you up on soonish.)

My work hours? literally booked solid most of the week. Oh, and there’s both a doctor and a dentist appointment squeezed in.

Of course all of this, ALL of it, mind you, is dependent on me actually getting some actual rest/sleep at some point this week, or else I’ll be so loopy by Saturday that they won’t even let me NEAR the range for fear of something catastrophic happening. I am really, really tired folks. Gah, I’m tired.

Following My Nose

Friends gave us a lovely lavender plant at the holidays. I have it outside the front door so I can see it and enjoy it without the cats doing a number on the poor thing. I plan on drying some of the flowers for sachets when the time comes. Usually I find lavender to be soapy-smelling, but I’ve learned that it depends on the type (mine is French) and when the flowers are harvested (the further the flowers are open, the less soapy). I’m pretty excited to try this out when the time comes.

Another perk to this particular plant is that it’s not shy about telling me when it needs water- it starts to wilt and then perks right back up again once watered. I appreciate that in a living thing, since I’m not always reliable about such things with less-outgoing plants/animals/people (the cats are very thorough about being in-my-face when the want/need things).

I also really enjoy smelling the plant every time I go in or out the door- it lightens my mood and immediately makes me feel better. I’m not a fan of strong scents and am allergic to a lot of artificial ones, so I don’t wear perfume, use scented deodorant or detergents, or use smelly stuff in the house (a scented candle is about the extent of it, and I never light it because of the cats). That said, I do like natural smells- my sandalwood wrist mala has finally faded to the point that I am acquiring a new one- the whiff of sandalwood at random times during the day has turned out to be a really nice pick-me-up and mindfulness reminder.

My other favourite smells are cinnamon, lemon/orange, and mint. I remember identifying school friends by how their houses smell- this one of a particular detergent, that one of curry, and the smell of hot, wet asphalt always makes me think of riding my bike during the summer as a kid.

What are your favourite smells? Do you have memories associated with smells? Does one ever surprise you?

Litany of Good

Having a tough day, so I am working on my “1,001 Thing I am Thankful For” list. I don’t know if that’s what it will eventually amount to (maybe more?!) but it’s so easy to forget to be grateful for things when something is bothering me. So here goes- I’ll number these and come back to the list periodically…

1. My loving hubby
2. Having a roof over our heads
3. Owning a house
4. Having heat
5. Sleep
6. Able to get out of bed
7. Dressed for work fairly easily
8. Makeup
9. Sunrise
10. Healthy options for breakfast
11. My car
12. A short drive to work
13. Finding parking near my building right away
14. Having a steady job
15. …that pays well!
16. Tea
17. CHOCOLATE
18. Pocket money for sweets
19. Fruit!
20. Knitting
21. Reading
22. Warm blankets
23. A pretty scarf
24. Being able to wear trainers at work if needed
25. Understanding co-workers
26. Inspiring pictures
27. My own office
28. Lever handles
29. Computer games
30. MUSIC
31. Visitors to my crafting blog <3
32. Compression gloves
33. Medications
34. Pain medicine when I need it
35. My space heater!
36. Artwork by talented friends
37. Mutts comics!
38. White holiday lights
39. Plants
40. Earth tones
41. The pond
42. Funky nail polish colours
43. Funky hair colours!
44. Ducks  <3
45. Cats (of course!)
46. Making new friends
47. Breathing
48. Simplifying
49. Being clean
50. Kicking off your shoes
51. Stripey socks
52. Shawls and scarves

Finally Friday

It’s “One of Those Days”. Despite sleeping solidly all night (with the usual weird dreams) I am barely dragging this morning. Since I closely resembled a day-old corpse I actually put on makeup this morning, remembering to put some blush on over the concealer so hopefully folks won’t tell me that I look pale all day, again. (Pale is still better than blotchy, however!)

On the way to work I watched a raccoon run pell-mell right under the wheels of the car in front of me. I was shocked- not just due to actually seeing an animal be hit by a car (that was s first for me), but I’ve never seen a raccoon run so fast, so far, and in such a straight line. It staggered in a circle, got pointed in the right direction, and just keep going. I hope it was only shaken up and not injured. So surreal!

I have changed over my winter pictures at work to more spring-like ones to perk myself up and help keep me awake. My desktop image is of a stream running over mossy rocks in a vibrantly green wooded valley- I wish I was there right now!

Note to self: If you automatically grab your cane on the way out the door, even though you don’t think that you need it, don’t put it back. Your subconscious may be trying to tell you something. I wish I had held on to it after all.

My appointment at the doctor’s went fairly well, although I completely forgot to stop by the pharmacy and pick up my prescriptions yesterday, so I know what I’ll be doing after work today. I am blaming my current bout of bad anemia on my tiredness and brain-fog. I finally have my Flexible Spending account for my health costs set up- now I just have to get used to using the card and filing claims when I forget (like at the doctor’s office on Wednesday- oops).

I am very happy to have a three-day weekend coming up- very, very happy!