Ah, Florida! I know that summer has arrived when I am huddled at my desk in an extra suit jacket with my space heater blasting. *sigh*
In the theme of taking better care of myself, I want to touch on one or two particularly salient points. The first is being mindful of how I’m feeling. I am still waffling about the pain journal- it seems like an extremely effective way to do this, except for having to make it a habit and part of my daily routine. I am hoping that if I continue to be effective practising mindfulness without a daily journal then I won’t need one.
Which brings me to point two: actually changing a behaviour that is causing me pain or discomfort. For some reason, this isn’t quite the logical progression that it ought to be.
Case in point; yesterday I worse dressy boots as part of the office costume contest (I won best costume by the way- go me!). Walking across campus to my next meeting, my feet started to hurt dreadfully- those boots had very little ankle support, no padding in the sole, and I’m far from used to wearing heels.
And yet, it took a massive effort of will to actually sit down and change into my comfortable shoes (which were in my bag the whole time).
Why? I was so relieved to change shoes and saved myself a great deal of pain than if I had waited to get to my destination to change shoes, and yet I almost pushed through anyway.
I could just blame it on plain stubbornness, but I think that a large part of it is denial: I still wanted to be the kind of person who could wear boots like that and walk long distances without ridiculous pain. I’m not any more. I wasn’t proving anything to anyone but myself, and yet I nearly did it anyway (and I truly would have suffered for it- there is no doubt).
I get rather angry at myself about this sort of thing- it’s bad enough to cause myself unnecessary pain through inattention, but if I KNOW that something I’m doing is causing me pain, or will cause me pain later, why on earth do it? It’s truly illogical (not, of course, that I claim to be the brightest bulb on the tree, but I do have modest pretensions of intelligence and logic at times).
I think it is a sign that I’m still in the process of accepting the changes in my life, howsoever grudgingly.