So, things have not been great lately, and I am tired. Tired of rounds of tests and trying this and that and not feeling any better. Tired of doctors. Tired of being tired. Tired of never making any progress. Yes, some levels are down, but that doesn’t mean much when I need help getting dressed in the morning. I feel like the hamster on the wheel- I want off.
This is being exacerbated by Life Events right now. I’m frustrated that I can’t do more to help my sister with her wedding. I’m disappointed that I won’t get to spend more time with my family when we see them. And I am worried, desperately worried, that my health is going to prevent me from participating as much as needed over the next few days, that travel is going to take a lot out of me and that I’m going to be the wet blanket at the party where everyone else is celebrating.
And then there is work stress. One of my employees has a great opportunity, but I’m sad to lose him and not looking forward to replacing him. It will mean a lot of work on top of what I’m already doing, not to mention covering his tasks until we refill the position. Just the thought exhausts me.
I need a break. Just a few days, if for no other reason than to decompress and hopefully recoup. But that’s not really in the cards right now. Hubby and I were talking about taking a vacation- maybe in February. And then I think about planning a vacation and I just want to crawl under a blanket. And February is a long, long way away right now.
The worst, really, is being so run-down and having no reserves, feeling stretched-thin with no reprieve in sight. I find myself jealous or bitter of others, and that’s a pretty dark place. Yes, those are legitimate feelings, and you need to experience them, let them go and move on, but I’m having a really hard time letting go of resentment right now. I’m frustrated when someone asks any more of me than I’m already giving- how can they ask for more when I can barely deal with what I’m doing now? And then I feel guilty for not doing or being more.
It’s a no-win situation.
I am trying to choose my priorities carefully, ration my abilities, and do as much as I can. It just never feels like it is enough. There is always more than I want to do, and I just can’t. I hate this feeling.
Image from We Heart It