• Hear about innovation in my field from someone who is excited about what we do
• Attend a conference to network and meet new people
• Eat delicious Indian food and catch up with good friends in person instead of over the ‘net
• Have an evening to catch up on housework (yes, this is a good thing!)
• And coming up today: some quality girl-time and relaxing over sushi!

My dentist appointment went well (just a cleaning) and while my new dental insurance is slightly headache-inducing, it’s still nice to not be paying full price any more!

My doctor’s appointment also went fairly well- we finally have my labs from my last rheum so I can finally cut those ties with a sigh of relief. We are tweaking my treatment and I have a new round of x-rays for my hands and wrists coming up. There is a chance that some of my hand pain is actually osteo, which is not thrilling but not entirely unexpected, either. I’m also scheduling an appointment with an allergist to finally get a full screening and figure out what’s causing my food reaction (every time I think I can rule something out it crops up again).

The hardest part of this week has been the fatigue by far- it looks like my thyroid is, indeed, slightly off which explains the sleep/dream issues. Throw in a dose of insomnia and it’s been a very, very rough week. I’m working to get all these things balanced as best I can so that I can be as well as possible. I picture it a bit like walking across the deck of a ship that is pitching and yawing- you know that every step is going to be tricky and yet very, very important.

The biggest step (what feels like stepping over the side of the ship, to me) is dealing with my anxiety and depression. I’ve been blaming a lot on stress and don’t get me wrong, my job and health are each stress-inducing own its own- combined it’s a double-whammy (and work is even more stressful than usual). But when I catch myself almost bursting into tears in the doctor’s office just considering therapy… yeah, there’s stuff going on that I’m not dealing with particularly well. This seems to recur (or be brought back to my conscious attention) every time I have a new doctor or diagnosis (last round was just before the neuro appointment for the numbness in my hands).

So, yeah. There’s that. I’m not suicidal, but I’m struggling daily. I am aware of and grateful for all the good that’s going on in my life, but sometimes it’s hard to get a grip on- everything is a just a bit nebulous and it’s hard to turn off the broken record running in the back of my brain that says “I’m tired, I hurt” over and over again. I feel my limitations keenly, and my annual performance appraisal once again brought to my attention that I am harder on myself, and have higher expectations for myself, than anyone else is or does. I can give others a break- why can’t I cut myself some slack on occasion? This is going to be the next big step for me- I’m inching closer to it all the time.

• Monday – 6 pm – Video Games as Texts and Technologies at the Morgridge Millennium Gallery – Does that not sound amazing? I love that my job gives me opportunities like this. Yes, I am that kind of geek.
• Tuesday – 5-7 pm – Hold down a table at the FETC for the FDLC, which are FLAs instead of TLAs. Also tech- and work-related. Seeing a trend yet?
• Wednesday – 6 pm – Yummy Indian food with friends who are in town and whom I haven’t seen in TOO LONG. Very happy about this! (Yay, not work-related!)
• Thursday – tires?
• Friday – Sushi with Girlfriends Without Children. The GWC is a very small, select group, and even though we all work at the same place we almost never get to socialise outside of work. If I could get work to subsidise it as a “team-building experience” I totally would. This is nothing against my Girlfriends With Children, it’s just that our socalising tends to be a bit more limited in scope or involve someone crawling up my pants leg, or both. (There was a time that “crawling up my pants leg” would not denote a small child or animal. Sadly, those days are behind me now. Unless, of course, hubby reads this, since he has an Evil sense of Humour. *suddenly looks afraid*)
• Saturday – Guns ‘n Health Food – Really. Apparently, “going to the range” has become a social-type thing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t fired a rifle since high school (long story) but I’ve always been curious about shooting a pistol since I never have. This will let me give it a try with a bunch of people who won’t judge me if I do something silly like try to reload by clicking off-screen. Afterward we’re going to the superhealthfoodstore, because I need things not made with animal products. (Also a long story, which I’ll catch you up on soonish.)

My work hours? literally booked solid most of the week. Oh, and there’s both a doctor and a dentist appointment squeezed in.

Of course all of this, ALL of it, mind you, is dependent on me actually getting some actual rest/sleep at some point this week, or else I’ll be so loopy by Saturday that they won’t even let me NEAR the range for fear of something catastrophic happening. I am really, really tired folks. Gah, I’m tired.

Another perk to this particular plant is that it’s not shy about telling me when it needs water- it starts to wilt and then perks right back up again once watered. I appreciate that in a living thing, since I’m not always reliable about such things with less-outgoing plants/animals/people (the cats are very thorough about being in-my-face when the want/need things).

I also really enjoy smelling the plant every time I go in or out the door- it lightens my mood and immediately makes me feel better. I’m not a fan of strong scents and am allergic to a lot of artificial ones, so I don’t wear perfume, use scented deodorant or detergents, or use smelly stuff in the house (a scented candle is about the extent of it, and I never light it because of the cats). That said, I do like natural smells- my sandalwood wrist mala has finally faded to the point that I am acquiring a new one- the whiff of sandalwood at random times during the day has turned out to be a really nice pick-me-up and mindfulness reminder.

My other favourite smells are cinnamon, lemon/orange, and mint. I remember identifying school friends by how their houses smell- this one of a particular detergent, that one of curry, and the smell of hot, wet asphalt always makes me think of riding my bike during the summer as a kid.

What are your favourite smells? Do you have memories associated with smells? Does one ever surprise you?

1. My loving hubby
2. Having a roof over our heads
3. Owning a house
4. Having heat
5. Sleep
6. Able to get out of bed
7. Dressed for work fairly easily
8. Makeup
9. Sunrise
10. Healthy options for breakfast
11. My car
12. A short drive to work
13. Finding parking near my building right away
14. Having a steady job
15. …that pays well!
16. Tea
17. CHOCOLATE
18. Pocket money for sweets
19. Fruit!
20. Knitting
21. Reading
22. Warm blankets
23. A pretty scarf
24. Being able to wear trainers at work if needed
25. Understanding co-workers
26. Inspiring pictures
27. My own office
28. Lever handles
29. Computer games
30. MUSIC
31. Visitors to my crafting blog <3
32. Compression gloves
33. Medications
34. Pain medicine when I need it
35. My space heater!
36. Artwork by talented friends
37. Mutts comics!
38. White holiday lights
39. Plants
40. Earth tones
41. The pond
42. Funky nail polish colours
43. Funky hair colours!
44. Ducks  <3
45. Cats (of course!)
46. Making new friends
47. Breathing
48. Simplifying
49. Being clean
50. Kicking off your shoes
51. Stripey socks
52. Shawls and scarves

On the way to work I watched a raccoon run pell-mell right under the wheels of the car in front of me. I was shocked- not just due to actually seeing an animal be hit by a car (that was s first for me), but I’ve never seen a raccoon run so fast, so far, and in such a straight line. It staggered in a circle, got pointed in the right direction, and just keep going. I hope it was only shaken up and not injured. So surreal!

I have changed over my winter pictures at work to more spring-like ones to perk myself up and help keep me awake. My desktop image is of a stream running over mossy rocks in a vibrantly green wooded valley- I wish I was there right now!

Note to self: If you automatically grab your cane on the way out the door, even though you don’t think that you need it, don’t put it back. Your subconscious may be trying to tell you something. I wish I had held on to it after all.

My appointment at the doctor’s went fairly well, although I completely forgot to stop by the pharmacy and pick up my prescriptions yesterday, so I know what I’ll be doing after work today. I am blaming my current bout of bad anemia on my tiredness and brain-fog. I finally have my Flexible Spending account for my health costs set up- now I just have to get used to using the card and filing claims when I forget (like at the doctor’s office on Wednesday- oops).

I am very happy to have a three-day weekend coming up- very, very happy!

Speaking of frazzled, I think I’m due for a deep conditioning and a trim- my hair has been ridiculously frizzy with the humid weather lately. Maybe tomorrow after work (today if I get out of the doctor’s office early enough).

My feet are very unhappy with me. Over the weekend I foolishly thought that since it was winter the ants would be less active. Silly me- if it’s warm enough for me to pull weeds then it’s warm enough for ants to crawl up my shoes and bite my feet. Only two bites on the left foot, but a major reaction. Go-go overreacting immune system! But the yard looks *much* better now that all the edges are trimmed- go us!

Then Monday I noticed an orange cat in our back yard with an injured leg. I stuck my feet in new shoes sans socks without thinking about it. After much drama that cat was still roaming free and I had ripped open both my heels without realising it. It’s sneakers at work for a few days while they heal. The cat is doing okay- he’s a neighbourhood stray and a few of us are keeping an eye on him. This is why I don’t let my cats out- it breaks my heart.

Lots of crafty things happening over on that side of my blog.

There is a chance that my citric acid sensitivity is kicking up again. I would be very sad about this, because I loves me some oranges! One of the things to talk about with my doc today.

Good grief- I know that I had other things to write about but can’t think of them for the life of me. Ah well.

• A great task is accomplished by a series of small acts. ~ Lao Tzu
• The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain. ~ Henry W. Longfellow
• Happiness is simple. Everything we do to find it is complicated. ~ Karen Maezen Miller
• Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
• Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Confucius
• Freedom is not overcoming what you think stands in your way. It’s understanding that what is in your way is part of the way. ~ Guy Finley
• Share everything. Play fair. Don’t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. ~ R. Fulghum
• When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude. ~ G.K. Chesterton
• Mindfulness helps you fall in love with the ordinary. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
• Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ~ Mary Oliver
• You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

My goodness, I had no idea I had such a backlog- I still have twice as many tucked away. I should do this more often!

Despite getting more sleep than the past few nights, it wasn’t restful, and waking up to cold day after day is starting to wear me down. I discovered that at some point yesterday I hit the joint on my left pinkie finger hard enough to split it open and bruise it and have no idea how. Stiff hands make me even clumsier than usual and I broke a plate (and not even one of the faded, chipped ones, either). I couldn’t manage to remove the filter from the cat’s water bottle so I had to wait for hubby to help me with that. And frost on the car with no ice scraper (Florida, remember?) means it takes me extra time to get to work waiting for the windows to heat up enough to see. The cold I thought I was finally shaking appears to have recurred in force and my chest is very congested, and next week will be even more hectic at work than this one is.

I am ready to call a do-over for 2012 already.

As is often the case after a holiday, I am a bit more thin-skinned than usual and it’s harder to acknowledge what is annoying me, examine why, and then let it go. Yesterday was full of fire alarms and the whole week has been one data-reporting problem after another. I think almost all my gripes can be summed up in two points:

• I function best when I am on a regular schedule. My schedule went through several major changes in just three weeks, so I am still unsettled and uncomfortable which makes me snappish when yet another thing keeps me from re-establishing that schedule. Adjusting to sudden changes has never been one of my strong suits and it’s a place I focus on for self-improvement. I need to work on flowing around obstacles instead of allowing them to stop me short.
• I am still fighting expectations about my health, which, when I think about it, is almost identical to point one. I have this mystical base degree of health that I expect to return to after a flare or a cold or an injury. There’s really no such thing, but by imposing this expectation that there should be, I’m not doing myself any favours.

I don’t really do resolutions. Many, many years ago in college I made one resolution and have kept it ever since. It is sometimes hard to keep, but it has been overall good for me and helps keep me centred.

I think I need to add a new one, however, and make it my focus for the new year. Something along the lines of “life is change” and acceptance of that fact. I am currently making changes to make room for change in my life (if that’s not redundant). Hopefully getting back into regular practice will help me let go of some of my anxiety and disappointment so I can focus on all the good things that are happening (and many are, even if they don’t always find their way to this blog).

First off, I have to share how very much I’m enjoying my holiday! Every day I do some errands and housekeeping, but do one thing for myself as well. Today I went to the bookstore… by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband dearly and the fact that we’re both bookish. We can’t go into a bookstore and not come out with a stack of books to share. However, once in a while I like to wander on my own, get a cup of tea and a brownie, and look at things that *gasp* aren’t books. I bought my 2011 calendars- one from the Sierra Club and another of decorative motifs for the craft room. I also FINALLY bought myself A Charlie Brown Christmas CD (do they even still make those anymore?) and a mini Zen garden. Little things I want and had put off acquiring until after the holiday, just in case.

Oops- just discovered that I only needed one calendar. Darn!

Other treats this week- I stopped by the new Asian market that opened near my neighbourhood and went a little crazy. I had shrimp shumai for lunch yesterday and have been nibbling on a ridiculous number of rice crackers. The gentleman at the register laughed and asked if I’d received a steamer for Christmas, heh.

We didn’t manage to do everything social we would have liked, but spent plenty of quality time with family and resting. I’ve been a bit more run-down than I’d like this week but have been sleeping fairly well the last few nights which goes a long way. We have two more social opportunities January 1st that we hope to make (Stay up to midnight the night before? Me? Not hardly.). Part of our weekend plans includes using the generous gift cards from family to replace our mismatched and well-worn towel collection. We are clearly getting older if we *ask* for towels for Christmas.

The crock-pot ran a test batch of pulled barbecue chicken and it came out quite well if I do say so myself. I must note, however, that a little goes a long way- I’ll be using some leftovers for a special pizza tomorrow (yay!).

For an update on my crafting adventures, I finally added a link on the top right to my blog- if I don’t post here I may be posting there: Joy of Making. There’s also the pictorial side of things in my Tumblr.