So, it’s been a whirlwind week, and, (unbelievably enough) so far I’ve DONE IT ALL. While I’m exhausted and run ragged, it was so wonderful to:
- Hear about innovation in my field from someone who is excited about what we do
- Attend a conference to network and meet new people
- Eat delicious Indian food and catch up with good friends in person instead of over the ‘net
- Have an evening to catch up on housework (yes, this is a good thing!)
- And coming up today: some quality girl-time and relaxing over sushi!
My dentist appointment went well (just a cleaning) and while my new dental insurance is slightly headache-inducing, it’s still nice to not be paying full price any more!
My doctor’s appointment also went fairly well- we finally have my labs from my last rheum so I can finally cut those ties with a sigh of relief. We are tweaking my treatment and I have a new round of x-rays for my hands and wrists coming up. There is a chance that some of my hand pain is actually osteo, which is not thrilling but not entirely unexpected, either. I’m also scheduling an appointment with an allergist to finally get a full screening and figure out what’s causing my food reaction (every time I think I can rule something out it crops up again).
The hardest part of this week has been the fatigue by far- it looks like my thyroid is, indeed, slightly off which explains the sleep/dream issues. Throw in a dose of insomnia and it’s been a very, very rough week. I’m working to get all these things balanced as best I can so that I can be as well as possible. I picture it a bit like walking across the deck of a ship that is pitching and yawing- you know that every step is going to be tricky and yet very, very important.
The biggest step (what feels like stepping over the side of the ship, to me) is dealing with my anxiety and depression. I’ve been blaming a lot on stress and don’t get me wrong, my job and health are each stress-inducing own its own- combined it’s a double-whammy (and work is even more stressful than usual). But when I catch myself almost bursting into tears in the doctor’s office just considering therapy… yeah, there’s stuff going on that I’m not dealing with particularly well. This seems to recur (or be brought back to my conscious attention) every time I have a new doctor or diagnosis (last round was just before the neuro appointment for the numbness in my hands).
So, yeah. There’s that. I’m not suicidal, but I’m struggling daily. I am aware of and grateful for all the good that’s going on in my life, but sometimes it’s hard to get a grip on- everything is a just a bit nebulous and it’s hard to turn off the broken record running in the back of my brain that says “I’m tired, I hurt” over and over again. I feel my limitations keenly, and my annual performance appraisal once again brought to my attention that I am harder on myself, and have higher expectations for myself, than anyone else is or does. I can give others a break- why can’t I cut myself some slack on occasion? This is going to be the next big step for me- I’m inching closer to it all the time.
It’s OK to cry. Exhaustion, anxiety, pain, and discouragement can make a tear-inducing combination. Say What Club members have shared the meltdowns they’ve had when the meaningless noise in a party gets to them. Since I tend to be emotional, it scares me more when I lose my enthusiasm…
Do you read The Blogess? She struggles with both RA and depression (and OCD and…). She has a quote that I love – “always remember that depression is a lying bastard.”
Also, I think being overly critical must be a genetic trait…
I do! I only finally started following her recently (and thanks to you!) and she’s wonderful- the way that The Traveling Red Dress has taken off is amazing! And yes, my sis and I have commented on self-criticism as being a familial trait, heh.
All of this stuff can be so exhausting. And feeling overwhelmed, depressed and all of it is just a part of this process in my humble opinion. Just be sure to take the time you need…carve it out somehow to take care of yourself…FIRST! Promise?
Thanks Deb- I really am! Never as much as I’d like, of course, but I think that I’m slowly getting better at it- cutting back on commitments helps- this was a very atypical week!